Don't worry

so, i really wish i still blogged more.

but instead, i will just talk about books.

here is what i am reading:

Moby-Dick or, The Whale (Penguin Classics)

Herman Melville

wow, it is so cool!

you know, i used to be opposed to classics. Like, what do you know about books? you think you know more than me? well, you don't. who are you anyway. i do what i want. i read what i want.

but actually, you know, i think maybe they really are classics for a reason! how strange! go figure, right?

well, Herman Melville is pretty cool. he is really funny. i knew that it would be a pretty reflective book. like, reflect about myself and about my life. but i didn't know that it would be so funny!

Things that make Tori, Nicole, Sarah and Gini Happy (and probably lots of other people, too):

music that is written in minor

music in general

clouds

mountains

sunshine

birds

whales

fresh breezes

crisp air

grass naps!!!

the mustard and pickles aisle at macey's

puddle jumping

jumping in photos

being witty

-ish

making eye contact with people on campus

tea parties

grotesque art

beheading figurines

contemporary art

foreign films

intellectual films

cool people in french class

intellectual people

happy people

witty people

genuine people

brownies

snowball fights with gloves on

snow tunnels

snow forts

falling snow

puppy slippers

little kids

having over 20 cans of hot chocolate in our apartment at one time

the ninja sword

sticking notes

kissing posters

opeing combanation locks on the first try

sponge animals

fun words in the dictionary

rob martin

word images

old people

confessions

bright colors

high heels

comfortable couches

dancing like a freak

or like normal person

playing the piano

cheekbones

calf muscles

red pens

spicy food

chocolate chip pancakes

black and white pictures

emails from friends

road trips

car trips

not going to bed

waking up early

acoustic guitar songs

acoustic piano songs

any song with piano

people with musical talent

camping

hiking

swimming in streams

walking on logs across rivers

xc skiing

xc running

hugs

awkward hugs

hugs from people i like

hugs from people that are funny

curtis jumping off the balconey

the people across the street that sit on their roof

the maesar building

bagels

free bagels

repetition

alliteration

alligators

makin' tapes

collages

dreaming

colored duck tape

punk stars (as in stars that are drawn punk-like)

d-i-y culture

certain types of anarchy

existentialism

transcendentalism

bruno latour

modernism

post modernism

neo-luddism

saving people

good lectures

evolution

the ability to change

candy wrappers

diversity (side note: the human needs diversity to survive. more to follow in a future speech by tori elephant gardner)

standing on chairs

standing on tables

volunteering

organizing

being organized

dancing on tables

trial and error

dance parties in cars

throwing rocks

plastic cups

budgetting

getting other people to cook for me

heather cooking for me

heather dew

my mom cooking for me

not cooking

songs with lyrics i can relate to

funerals that are hopeful

reading scriptures late at night when you are feeling all contemplative

hammocks

trees

hiding places

good class discussions

boys that smell good

blue eyes

brown eyes

eyes

fluffy kittens

morris the cat

goldfish, the food

goldfish, the animal

All American Rejects

birthday parties

reliant k

the killers

journey

the jayhawks

across the universe

juno

amelie

traveling gnomes

being weird

looking out the window

spying

wearing disguises

snow covered timp

analyzing imperfection

analyzing anything

solving oppression

making heather dew laugh

making cute boys laugh

double takes

making my dad laugh

game night

cuddling with people

love

falling in love

twitterpation

being really okay with not being in love

revealing statements

being blunt

other people saying things to you that make you think

re-evaluating

doing scary things and being proud of it

talking to your roommate in the dark

folklore

interviewing people

asking people about themselves

idealism

realism

both at the same time

talking about papers before i write them

writing really good papers that i send to my mom

cherry wood

lemonade

using hotels pools when you are not staying there

laughing

late night diners

the petro oasis

foamhenge

pencils, ones with really good erasers

blue pens

four color pens

good highlighters

ear muffs

people that look funny in ear muffs but wear them anyway

suspenders

people that wear suspenders

awesome socks

awesome earrings

really good details in outfits

dressing other people

mohawks 

neon hair

writing fellows

buttons

making buttons

cool things that other people make

cool thing that i make

doing things sincerely

wireless internet

ice cream

cupcakes

cupcakes

cupcakes

meeting new people and it not being fake-y and you like them

searching threw the paper recycling bins on campus

religion classes

smelling trees

sweaters

cardigans

southern utah

big cities

the country

weird rock formations

french bread, the real kind, made by french people

little toro

my old car :(

80s

80s dancing

80s dressing

baby smiles

productive time wasting

being informed

talking to other people that are informed

knowing how to get where i'm going

being awesome at directions

driving stick shift

driving stick shift in heels

pastachio flavoring

the muppets

stupid quote walls

making things

having adventures

writing classes

john bennion

spencer scoville

eric d huntsman

professor griggs

dr. keale

wizard rock

muscular forearms

good muscle tone

chicken

dissecting things

religion

truth

spirituality

learning

exploring

riding bikes

air vents

color printers the work well

going to the temple

being not tired

sleeping on the couch

running into people randomly

operas

good musicals

stream of consiousness writing (not reading other peoples, though)

writing

reading

giving correct change

paying with exact change

fuji apples

oranges that you pick off a tree yourself

running a business

Marxism

Neo-marxism

when i understand economics

John steinbeck

recreational swearing

telling people to go to hell

creative t-shirts

making t-shirts

teddy roosevelt

volleyball (tori only)

soccer (gini only)

ultimate frisbee (everyone!)

playing sports in a park

swinging

this one hiking trail in maryland that ends at the beach

finding sharks teeth

driving past South of the Border and using the bathroom and then leaving

doing things and then realizing that i am exactly like my mother/father

pretty rocks

canaan's corner

irony

sip n dip

pizza

good documentaries

empty parking lots

running late at night

my family

being on time

everyone else being on time, too

watching youtube with my dad

confounding the plans of Satan

smiling

low lighting

guacamole burgers

anything guacamole

mol day

rock, paper, scissors

making important decisions with rock, paper, scissors

behind the couch

playing rock, paper, scissors the right way

comparing regional differences

comparing (not judging) anything

social jamming

surrealism

being vindicated

being humbled (eventually it makes me happy)

language

the power of language

the power of language used for good

cheerios

polypropylene

science band names

coming up with band names

remembering silly things you've done

all those student art exhibits in the HFAC

when my brother buys me lunch

when my brother and i have a good chat

using big words

pronouncing big words correctly

knowing what big words mean

understanding arabic class

miracles

fasting

good advice

people who give me good advice

people who try to give me good advice, because i know they really do mean well

not using guidebooks

creativity

fungus

lists

and now i am happy.

but the truth is, i don't think happiness is something you can quanitfy, and that is where my problem really lies. i keep trying to figue out, what+what+what=happiness, but that isn't the way it works.

next question: can you be happy out of spite? because sometimes i think i am. weird.

i am sitting on the couch now, wearing dark blue mesh Disney world pajama pants pulled up to my waist, no bra, a sweater that i suppose is hip in the you-have-to-slouch-like-a-scenester-to-look-good-in-this way. My hair is tied back and it looks absolutely terrible; i haven't washed it in about 42 hours, though it has been wet and messed twice by rain and a million times over by wind. i can't remember the last time i washed it. i'm wearing my slippers, i can't smile on cue today, and i'm writing an acerbic essay on women's issues and contemporary third wave feminism in politics.

this is why i don't get dates. : )

on a happier note, i have accomplished a  million goals this week and i'm pretty much satisfied with my life in every way i can be without being perfect. it's been a good week. i have to remember to give the grace and glory to god, though, because i don't want to fall on my ass again in the next couple weeks because i need to be humbled.

best thing ever: making thank-you cards and then giving them to people. they really enjoy being thanked, especially in a homemade way, and it's super fun to make them instead of doing your homework or something. good karma all around.

two books i bought off of half.com recently and would recommend, though i've only read a little bit in each of them (i only have two more weeks in the semester, and then finals, and then i can do whatever i want. ye-ah.)

Start Where You Are: A Guide to Compassionate Living (Shambhala Classics)

Pema Chodron

The reason i like it is because it espouses a lot of the things that I believe about life.
so basically, i like books that re-affirm my beliefs in life.
no, it does say a lot of things i haven't thought about before.
it's good for concentrating on being where i am now, and not dwelling too much on the past or the future (the future especially. though this rather disturbs me, that i think so much about the future. i'm not in saint cloud anymore; why am i still trying to escape my present condition by moving into the future? why can't i just be happy now? anyway.). Because really, everything is a passing moment, and it's not as concrete as we think it is.
One of the best things about this book so far has been the first chapter or so where Ms Pema (a buddhist nun) tells the reader that they don't need to disassociate themselves from everything in search of perfection: everything for perfection, for being a better person and for changing, everything for feeling compassion and love for others, is already right there in us. We just have to tap into the faults and the heart brake, and harness them. It's like i wrote it myself, except way better.

See, i have this complex (that probably a lot of people have), that i am in love with people who can express the feelings i have but can't put them into words. That is what Pema Chodron does. That is what a lot of my favorite writers do. Actually, its what a lot of my favorite people do. I've been toying with the idea that a friend is that person: maybe the definiton of friendship is somene who can express the things that you are know are there, but are struggling to find and to verbalize. or realize in action.
but maybe that's not true. I think it's just another manifestation of my John Galt obsession. you know.

the other book is

Sophie's Choice

William Styron

I've only read about 4 pages in it so far, but it is great. it's entertaining. and i've had this book recommended to me several times before by people i respect.

Great Expectations (Barnes & Noble Classics)

Charles Dickens

unfortunately, i still have not finished re-reading great expectations, which i really need to do.

things i need to stop obsessing over:

-clothes
-classes i want to take but am not taking
-finding new classes to fit into this same sad category
-boys, why i don't have one and how sad that is
-boys, the ones that are not here for various reasons
-grad school, which is incredibly far away and should not have a place in my reality yet
-hypothetical situations
-what i wish i could change about the past
-comparing myself to other people
-buying things on ebay/half/amazon/other online place
-all the things i wish i was doing

other things that i should be thinking about more:

-scholarships that i am going to complete so i can get money for jordan
-arabic. anything arabic.
-doing my spelunking paper
-doing my gospel of john commentary
-doing all other assorted homeworks
-all those crafts i want to do but haven't gotten around to yet
-reading my scriptures
-memorizing things
-being honest/sincere
-being friendlier
-setting better goals

there is so much i do that i wish i didn't do. and there is so much that i should be doing

today, i am incredibly happy to be alive.

for no reason whatsoever. music. friends. the experience of crying. sleeping in. not sleeping. i love being alive.

and it's amazing, because Nicole was right, more right than she knew at the time, but it struck a cord in us because we could all feel it at the base of our necks, we felt it in a strange place with no meaning, and we knew that it was important, and we felt i like it had always been there but it had never formed til right now, like your twin sister that died in the womb and then attached itsself in the form of a tumor to the inside of your abdominal lining, and when it was discovered, everything that ever happened to you suddenly made sense.

you can't fail, because it's all about the experience.
we are experiencing. we are here.
the point of analyzing the scriptures, of reading literature, of writing a blog post, of doing a paper, of going to school.
it's not to finish or to score or to learn or anything.
it's to create us.
it's to create something i completely don't comprehend.
yet.
but that's okay, because there is no such thing as wrong, or failure, or anything. there is only me. and there is only you. and there is only what we create.

we are more than the sum of all our parts!

someday, we will all wake from this life like a dream. we will suddenly be in a new deminsion, a new mindset, where everything we thought before seems like the unreality of a dream state. How did we ever think that was reality? how could we not see. we won't remember exactly what it was like. i suppose that is sad, it seems like it now, but i am not usually sad when i wake up from a dream.

i've degressed so much from childhood.
i remember being in kindergarten, and being completely disinterested in class, though i wasn't really aware of what that meant, and thinking, what if all of this is a dream? and i kept anticipating the day when i would suddenly wake up out of this. what if all of my life as i know it thus far is only a movie? and i believed it, like i believed in god or in love or in the fairy tales i made up in my head.

i am more than the sum of all my experiences. we all are. i am more than all of my blog posts and journal entries and entertaining stories and adventures and purchases and everything.

what am i?

only a dream.
someday i will know.

Today, when we were having a study group about short stories my group is presenting in class tomorrow, Katie said that she felt like she was just making things up about literature, that she was stretching things and everyone just made things up and it was rather pointless. To which i replied rather wittily, of course, but it was just an off-hand answer of a smart alec, something about how we're making things up about stories that someone else made up, so it's not like that is what's important anyway.

but now i will answer the question in all seriousness.
to answer it, you have to go back to, what is the purpose of literature; why do we have it and what does it do for us?

We were asked the question in Humanities, what is the role of scripture in literature?
Last year, i wrote a PatS paper, my first one, about how scripture is the perfect form of literature.  Literature is supposed to communicate ideas, to communicate the human experience, whatever that means to the author or the reader, just so long as we are living and learning and being alive, it is completely fulfilling it's function.  That is why scriptures are the perfect form of literature; they allow people to read them over and over and come to many different levels of knowledge and understand, and to relate to them on many different levels. People from all walks of life, at different parts in their life, all at once. And while there are still "right" and "wrong" answers, for example, it would probably be wrong to interpret scripture like crusaders and nicaean creed people and others who are just completely off, there really is an infinite amount of possible answers, and it's really not about right and wrong, it's about communicating through the spirit.

So i would venture that all literature copies scripture; that it is all a shadow of the Great Literature, just as all heroes and teachers are a shadow of the Great Teacher and Leader, Jesus Christ.

And that is what we do, in church, in reading the scriptures, we "make up" interpretations-- if by making up we mean using our brains and our intellectual skill coupled with our hearts and listening to what that tells us. i mean, i don't know about you, but that's how i do literary analysis.

And that is good, that is fine.
and that's how it is in arabic lit, too. Though they try not to admit it. the Qur'an is perfect and inemitable, or something like that, and i don't know if that's true or not, but it's too bad. it creates this undercurrent, however subtle, of hopelessness, because you can never measure up. because you can never be like the qur'an, the perfect word of god. but i disagree. mainly because i feel like this is another tangent in my great masterpiece of my future and my life, the life of man and fear, and how 'perfection' as it actually is and feigned, unattainable, unmatchable perfection fits into that.
because god wants you to immitate his word. he wants you to be like him.

he also wants this to make sensse, so i will try again when i'm not tired and being rushed.
peace.

so, i know how to waste several hours and still pretend like i am very productive.

i've been having a bit of a crisis lately, because i my major just doesn't feel as analytical and theoretical as i wanted it to be. MESA is very interesting, but it's mostly fact-based, and a lot of it just prepares you for government service, and working for the government is one of the last things on my Grand To-Do List, but that's a whole 'nother post, so nevermind.

so for the last couple of days i've been like, do i really want to major in this? should i switch? should i get another minor? blah blah blah? will i have enough time to do all this and graduate without excessive debt?

and so i spent several hours listening to streaming jazz radio online and trying to figure this out, and plan my life here at college. it was very interesting and it took out a lot of time, and anyone who saw me today commented on how busy i looked, little did they know it was a wonderful facade of procrastination and indecision masked as business and productivity.

and then i realized: you know what? analysis and theory, and thinking, and synthesizing, that is always going to be up to me. there are very few classes where i am going to be satisfied by the way i am mentally challenged by the material. and even some of the classes i have now come very close, and it is up to me to put the extra couple of hours into working (rather than wasting those hours attempting to figure out some quick fix major change to make me think more without working harder). if i did that, put some time into really writing fantastic papers for history or humanities, or having good things to contribute to our friday discussions in history, or thinking more about gospel of john, then i would have the classes i want.
because teachers try, they really do try to make us think, but they are only going to go so far.  in our beaurocratic world of fear (again, a subject for later rants and posts), most teachers feel like they can only push us so far. or at least that's what my women studies teacher told me last year when i asked her privately why we didn't address the issues of feminism and the Gospel (she didn't really say it like that; she used some cop-out phrase like,  'most students aren't ready or willing to think about stuff like that,' to which i so should have replied with something like, 'well, you're the teacher, you're supposed to get us to think about and confront issues like that even if we're not ready for them.' but i didn't.)

so in other words, i can't go to some other major or minor looking for what i want. it's right here--- it's me, it's my own thought process. i have to do this myself. and someday i'm not going to be in school, but i still want to be exercising my analytical facalties for my own benefit, and in shah allah, for the benefit of others at this hypothetical future date.

plus also, it's just some words on a paper, a double major or minors or anything. i don't need some degree to tell people that i'm capable of thinking or something like that.
so says the college student. psh.

i just wanted to write some about brothers karamazov.

i finished it, a couple of weeks ago

The Brothers Karamazov (Giant Thrifts)

Fyodor Dostoyevsky

it took me forever, because i read ayn rand this summer. i wanted to read her when i was at home and working 50-60-70 hours a week and mourning peoples incompetance and their silly-scary likeness to the antogonists of atlas shrugged. i wanted to read it when we could relate, ayn and i. it still didn't really work, but it was better then it would have been if i was here.

anyway, so i finished it, at last. it was beautiful and i loved it.

I have been wanting to change so much about my life recently and i haven't done it.

i get regular emails from Tal while he is on his mission, the parents-forward kind. It's kind of nice but it makes me miss him terribly. He mentioned in his last email that he got my letter. I sent it a month and a half ago. what a time disconnect. i'm not even close to the same place (mentally or physically) anymore. It will be some much worse after 2 full years.

I'm drinking herbal tea right now. i don't even agree with that idea, of drinking herbal tea. i don't really know what the point is. it's still tea. it's still a hot drink. i always feel silly for saying that. i know it's acceptable within 'mormon culture', but so is having a start to finish courtship and marriage in 3 months, so i wouldn't use that as a guide. people made up that whole 'it's cause caffine is bad' thing because they wanted some sort of logically explanation, because "god told us to" isn't always enought. it's not for me, it's not for anyone, practically. but anyway, i always feel sorry saying that i don't drink tea, herbal or otherwise, with or with caffine, because it makes me feel like nina polecheck in high school biology class saying that she always thought that cavemen where something athiests made up to prove evolution. and besides, woan offered it to me, and i think she feels guilty for me offering to her food, and like she has to make it up to me, so that 'we're square' or something. i hate that. just take the damn food and be happy and we'll all be happy and live in a zion society, dammit.

new roommates you don't really know how to feel about are interesting. take holly. or take woan. or take nina, too. i guess i don't really know how to feel about any of my new roommates. heck, i don't even know what to think about my old roommate.

everything is so weird now. everything is so weird.

i've missed this, blogging. it's so relaxing and nice. and way better than homework or cleaning my room or a lot of things. and this is what i feel like doing so i'm doing it.

i ran into master ethan the other day. he is so weird. everything i like is either weird (if it's a person, place, or movie, or something like that) or ugly (if it's clothing, accesories, shoes, cars, or animals) or a combination of weird and ugly. anyway, so i ran into him and he was like "blah blah blah compliment" and that is the only part i heard because it was about me. no, kidding, but i already wrote about this in my journal and told a couple of people about it, so i don't want to type it all over again. anyway, the compliment was that out of all the people in my FA last year, Elliot and i were the only ones that were "writerly-writers, if you know what i mean." or maybe we were the ones that were the most like writerly-writers. i don't remember exactly. i remember that basically, he was saying i was awesome and i was good at writing, which was very fun to here because that used to be very important to me, and now it is not so much. i should change that, too. i intend to, i suppose.

anyway, it made me happy. the other day, when i was at an amnesty international meeting and i was feeling pretty lame (they usually make me feel lame but i don't want to talk abou that now)  and we were going around and we had to say one interesting fact about us, and i was like, "i don't know, i like to write," like that was something interesting or cool and true and not at all vague and kind of stupidly cliche. and then right after me, there were two girls who were english majors and a girl that was a journalism major, and how great was that, because i know they were all thinking, 'let me guess, you blog, don't you. how nice' and then they rollled their eyes, (not really but they were thinking it) and i would have said 'actually, NO!' but now that's a lie. anyway, so i'm pretty lame and stupid sometimes, but when i blog about it, it makes me happier and i feel like it's okay to be lame and stupid, because i have a blog and that's what they are for. lameness. stupidity.

I hope i'm not proving master ethan wrong with every word i write, but i know that is the risk i'm taking and i'm okay with it.

My seminary teacher, Sister Zern, told us this story once. i don't know if it's true. it doesn't matter if it is or not.

Sister Zern's son was on a mission in Las Vegas.
He and his companion were walking around, you know, doing that missionary, prosylating thing. And they talk to this bum, this guy.
and he says, the bum, he says, Missionaries? for Jesus Christ? i bet you think you'll change the world, don't ya.
and Adam, Sis Zern's son, he says, That's Right.
and the bum, he looks at him and he says, You'll never do it.
And Adam, he replies, Sir, We Already Have.

We already have.

forget justin.
i don't need to 'explain' anything. well, not to anyone but myself.
and not on anyone's time schedule but my own.
bits and pieces. nothing forced.
that's now i used to blog, and it worked. and i was happy about it.

i love friends.
i love the friends that i've made here.

i don't know if this is selfish or not, or me trying to show up melissa or not. it probably is. i love melissa a lot, but i've always had this thing where i felt like i had to compete against her. and i'm not against competition, except that when she is 'losing', it makes me feel like i am winning.
like with the miami thing. when we made up and were friends again at the beginning of february, one thing she said to me, and i can't remember how i answered, which means i probably said something that was dumb and insincere and a little bit of a lie, but one of the things she said to me was that i sounded kind of happy and gloat-ish that things weren't totally working out at her school, and things were going great for me. and she's right, i kind of was. it was like, look, i've finally 'won', i got the better deal than my friend, so yay!
i mean, who am i? what kind of person does that? what kind of friend does that?
where did i get thins idea that i have to dominate other people?

i really need to let go of that.
and i've been trying, really.
sometimes i say 'trying' and i feel like it's automatically discredited; like, if you had really been trying, you would be doing it, not 'just trying.'

but even yesterday, and just recently in general, i was hanging out with Kirk and Talmage, and it was really great, and i remember thinking later, man, i bet melissa doesn't have great friends like this, ha.
and that is so resentful and spiteful.
and it's true, sure, she's pretty much told me that.and that's sad. and why am i gloating.
she will find them, and i should encourage her to find them, and not just think, oh, well, sucks for you! glad it's not me!
because that isn't constructive. or friendly.

let's twist again, like we did last summer, like we did last year.

And i miss melissa. and we were really great friends for each other. and i think we've been through a lot of changes recently, and we didn't do a super great job at dealing with them as friends, but i think that in the end, we conquered them.
because that is one of the main things about friends. it's all about surviving the changes. that is why kevin and i are still friends. because even after everything from last year, and everything i put him through, he has been my friend.
and melissa and i didn't always fair as well; we weren't friends a lot. but we survived.
and that's why sussy and i didn't survive. and that's why tabitha and i didn't. and that's why i'm losing so many other friends back home. because i've changed a lot, and in my mind, they either have changed to much for me, haven't been changing at all. that is how they seem to me. and i'm not really working to make that survive, those friendships, those links. i don't know why exactly. but i should, but i have to, but i should.

and this is all very important; friendships surviving. because so many people are leaving. everyone is going on missions and leaving, and i'm not going to see a lot of people that i've become very attached to for a very long time. like Tal and Kirk and Kevin and Matt and Elliot and Eric and David and Joey and lots of people.
and that is so sad. that is sadder than i could possible express here.
and i think that everyone at this school feels this way.
just because of the culture, and the fact that we are mormon, everyone's lives are affected by missionaries leaving and sometimes never seeing them again. it is a great thing, to serve a mission. but i don't think i ever realized what kind of heartbreak it caused, to have to say good-bye, and never see people again, even if it's for something you believe in. ever if it's for something good.
imagine what it would be like to send these boys off to war. imagine how much worse that would be.
anyway.

we had lunch with ethan about 2 months ago or something. a little bit of a FA reunion. it was wonderful and it was sad. i love all those kids so much. so many are my family out here, and they are all my inspiration. i don't think we could ever really express how much we've changed each other.
but the truth is, you can never go back.
to me, that is the point of reunions. to remind myself that you can never go back. that things keep changing. people change, and situations change, and we aren't the same people we were in class, or the people we were last semester, or even the people we were yesterday. and i always feel this huge loss at reunions.
but i'm an optimist, i really am, though no one believes that.
and whenever i feel the hole of last semester, or childhood friends, or whatever, it's a reminder not so much that i lost something, but that i had something. feelings like that, that great sense of loss, that only comes from me, at one point in time, having loved something so much, that the absense causes this much pain. it is wonderful that i can love so much that i can hurt this much. it is wonderful to know that, because of how much hurt exists, there is such a great capacity for love in this world.
and that's what ethan's reunion did. i was so sad. i wanted to cry. i wanted to cry and yell at everyone, it's not there anymore, guys. we aren't FA anymore. its gone, and we can try, but it will never be the same, it will never come back. you can never go back. but i didnt. because the truth is, that it was such a beautiful thing when it lasted. and the fact that i am going to be so sad when this year is over, and everyone is gone, and the last semblance of freshman academy has disappeared into the mtc and stratified classes for our majors and new roommates, that feeling just proves how wonderful it was when it was happening, and how wonderful it will always be.
because nothing really, truely ends. it's always there, floating in our minds or in our ideals or in the passions we developed and the thougths we thought. not so much as a memory but as part of our souls now. that is where real friendship is. you don't have to remember what happened. you just have to feel what it feels like. even if you forget the friends, you are different now. and true friendship never dies, even if it doesn't survive.
it's beautiful, the way that things are great. and then they are over. and life goes on. evolution of the species.
but i want to survive. i want to live. i don't want to be stuck in the past, but i want these friendships to go on. natural selection will happen, it always does.
but that doesn't mean we don't have a right to fight.
life is going to happen. things will never be the same again.
but it isn't always a survival of the fittest thing. we don't have to submit to fate and nature and whatever else demands changes of us. we can make change ourselves. we can survive if we want to.
can't we?

and so, i know that when i finally see everyone again, after missions and adventures, and paradigm shifts and whatnot, i know that we can never go back.
and i'm okay with that.
because i believe in progression. in evolution.
but i want us to survive the changes.
i want us to prove that we are more than conditional friends; that we are more than our ideals and our fun; that we love each others' very essence. that we love each other not because of what we are right now, or what we will be, or because of any particular trait. i want us all to be the kind of friends that love the very existence of each other, no matter the changes. no matter the disappointment. no matter the loss.
just as long as we keep moving forward. just as long as we keep loving each other.
we have such a great capacity to love each other.
i hope it lasts.
i hope it lasts.